Here It Goes, Here It Goes, Here It Goes Again

I claim to be a writer. I say “claim to be,” because in the past *mumble mumble* years, I seem to have done very little actual writing. I haven’t worked on any books, I haven’t worked on any screenplays, I haven’t even gotten around to the simple act of blogging. Shame on me.

Why is this? Why is it that it’s so hard for me to do the very thing I swear is my passion and my life’s work? It could be partially that I’m still struggling to find a genre that fits me. It could be partially that I’m going through a quarter-life crisis. It could be partially that I was traumatized a few years back upon finding out that one of my mentors, a man whom I considered hugely influential in helping me discover my love for the written word, was a philandering jerk. I’m sure of a big part of it has to do with my tendency to get a little obsessive-compulsive at times, always needing to make sure I know what types of things to post to which social networking sites, and wanting anything I post from here on out to be consistent with the way I posted past blogs. But I think the most likely reason of all is that I’ve spent the last several years trying to play catch-up.

The constant to-do list seems to be a very basic staple of adulthood, so for me to have one isn’t unusual. It’s also not unusual for me, (or anyone), to fall behind every once in a while. We are, after all, only human. The problem arises when I’m unable to move past those things I forgot to do.

I have a fair few things on my to-do list that are meant to be regular tasks, things I intend to do on a daily or weekly basis. The best example I can think of is keeping up with a blog. There was a time when I vowed to my closest family and friends that I would send out an interesting update every single day. But, of course, as we all tend to do from time to time, I fell behind. I wasn’t content with the idea of just letting it slide and accepting that I wouldn’t send out an entry on that particular day, and so my to-do list grew. The next day, I planned to write a blog entry for not only that day, but the previous day as well.

That didn’t sound so bad, having to write two blogs instead of one. When I fell behind again, three didn’t sound so bad either. After days of letting myself fall behind, though, the idea of having to write five entries started to feel a little daunting, which made it harder to motivate myself to get it done. So I’d put it off again, and the vicious circle would continue until eventually, days turned into weeks, which turned into months, which turned into years. Any sane person would have thrown in the towel and started fresh long ago, but even when I had somewhere around seven hundred entries to write just to be up-to-date, I was still trying to convince myself that I’d be able to make it happen in time.

Eventually, there came a point where I had to admit the impossibility of the task I had set for myself. Still, I wasn’t willing to post current entries without first posting at least the highlights from the last couple of years. Instead of writing a blog for every single day that I’d missed, I resolved to pick out the most important events and topics of the last couple of years, and write blogs about those before moving on. Unfortunately, that would involve me digging through my calendar, (which was ALSO on my list of things I planned to catch up on), and maybe all of my past texts, to find anything particularly noteworthy.

Sometimes, as a joke, I blame this propensity to dwell in the past on my traumatic experience with math. When I was about halfway through high school, I hit a math wall, and found myself having a much more difficult time with it than I usually had with my classes. I couldn’t motivate myself, I didn’t study, and I fell behind. Unlike an English class, where you can skip a book, do poorly on a test, and then move onto the next assignment with a fierce determination to try harder, math builds on itself. Everything counts, and if you don’t learn even one little thing, you have to go back and master it before you’re able to progress. Back in high school, this gave me a lot of trouble, and I’ll never forget how frustrating it was trying to play catch-up just so I could pass pre-calculus.

If I’m being really serious, though, this is all most likely a result of my anxiety. Recently I found out that one symptom of anxiety is an inability to live in the present. Those of us who suffer from this disorder will spend crazy amounts of time and energy regretting things that happened in the past and living in fear of things that could happen in the future.

With all of that in mind, and having been searching high and low for ways to outsmart my anxiety, (preferably without the aid of medication), I wondered if forcing myself to start fresh and forget about catching up might be a helpful exercise for me. My hope is that, if I can let go of all of the blogs I never wrote, maybe I can retrain my brain to not focus so much on the past in general. Or maybe that’s a ridiculous theory, and maybe it won’t help at all. Either way, I’m willing to give it a shot.

I think the toughest part of this effort will be learning to live with the inconsistency. As I mentioned before, I can be a bit obsessive-compulsive about my projects. I’ll be starting this blog with a whole new location, a whole new format, and a whole new set of rules, and very little of it will be consistent with anything about blogs that I’ve done in the past. If I'm being honest, though, I've done this before. I had a couple of old LiveJournal accounts I left to rot, one because it’s full of a bunch of crap I cared about in high school, and the other because no one uses LiveJournal anymore. So I typically forget about them, unless I really want to go back and laugh at what an idiot I used to be.

So, having said all of that, I'm starting over. From here on out, I'll be focusing on what's happening in the present. Maybe I'll have a few Throwback Thursdays or Flashback Fridays or whatever the kids are calling them now, just so I can share the stories that were way too interesting to just forget. For now, though, here's the important information, for anyone I haven't talked to in a while who needs to be caught up on the basics:

As of last month, I've been living in Southern California for ten years. While I spent a good chunk of that time jumping around from apartment to apartment for various reasons, I've finally found what feels like a home in my current house. Next month, I will have been living here for three years with my roommate, Hayley, my cat, Gary, and a series of interchanging housemates to fill the other two bedrooms.

Those of you who know me well know that I have a history of not so great romantic relationships. I’ll go ahead and accept responsibility for this, but not because I’m blaming myself for the breakups, or thinking I made so many horrible mistakes over the years, (though I’m definitely not without fault in at least a couple of those situations). Rather, I attribute most of my relationship fiascos to the fact that I’ve had a tendency to pick some real pieces of work for my romantic partners. Fortunately, I’m pleased to tell you that it seems like I’ve broken that streak. My relationship with Kevin is the longest I’ve ever had, currently weighing in at a year and eight months. Though not without its rough patches, (because, really, what relationship doesn’t have a few speedbumps, particularly a relationship involving two people going through a quarter-life crisis, one of them suffering from clinical anxiety?), it has been by far the best relationship I’ve ever had as well. Kevin is consistently loving, supportive, sweet, affectionate, and funny. We make each other happy, we keep each other sane (most of the time...), we share probably the stupidest inside jokes, and it’s made for a pretty fantastic situation thus far.

While I identify as a writer, I have a full-time job as a show performer for a well-known theme park that I won't mention the name of, lest the social media team is watching me. It's certainly a unique job, and it has its wonderful moments, but after five years, it’s taken a real toll on both my body and my sanity. I'm hoping that restarting my blog will be a stepping stone to having an actual career. I’ve also found myself feeling a lot more inspired lately than I have in a long time, and so as long as I can get back in the habit of writing every day, I’ll have a few projects in the works. Best of all, I’m starting to feel like I’ve found a purpose with my writing. For a short time, I had a bit of an identity crisis, wondering what my true calling was, and whether or not I was even meant to be a writer. Now, I’m feeling like I have enormous power to create change for the better. But more on that later.

For now, I’d say you’re all good and caught up. I look forward to sharing my future adventures with all of you, and I’m sincerely hoping I can keep up with it this time.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: "Welcome to Jurassic Park" - John Williams (Jurassic Park - Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)